Eat It, Paralysis.

22 03 2011

A new study revealed that blue M&M’s have the power to heal spinal injuries. WHAT!


Science-type people decided to see what would happen if they pumped rats with spinal cord injuries full of the blue food dye used to color M&M’s. The result was not immediate death as anticipated, but miraculous healing as the paralyzed rats treated with the blue dye regained the ability to walk!

The rats also turned temporarily blue, but I think we can all agree that’s a small price for a rat to pay to transition from a hopeless life of immobility to just a regular hopeless life.

Here’s the clincher: The dye is presumed to have a similar effect on paralyzed humans! M&M World better beef up its wheelchair accessibility, pronto.

This makes me wonder how many other candy-related products have undiscovered healing powers. I’d like to see scientists harness the power of nougat. Nougat is definitely harboring secret curing capabilities. A lot of people would probably say caramel, but I think it’s obvious that caramel is just a decoy.

So if you’re a rat looking to no longer be paralyzed and don’t mind turning blue send a trusted, mobile friend to the nearest bodega or 14-yr-old-on-the-subway’s basketball uniform fund raising kit and cop that candy!

Humans: I’d hold off until science figures out the turning blue deal unless you don’t mind giving up your ability to wear black. You may not think it’s a big deal, especially in exchange for your independence and quality of life, but then what are you going to wear to that thing you have next week that you’re not really sure is business formal or more regular formal?

In the meantime, I’d be eating as much nougat as possible. I’m just saying, it can’t hurt.

Cornflakes + Philosophical Musings

19 06 2010

Cornflakes, it’s too early to wax philosophical.

I believe I will blog.

17 06 2010

I’m sure you’ll all be pleased to know I’ve decided to actually utilize the blog section of my website.

I was inspired by the rediscovery of my old Livejournal from college. Here’s an entry I found particularly inspiring:

Chelsea’s Livejournal – 12/11/20076-

“i’m reading a book called “the fabric of the cosmos: space, time, and the texture of reality.” i love it. it talks about how basically we all live in our own reality with our own measure of space and time. here’s a passage from the book:

‘Space and time are in the eye of the beholder. Each of us carries our own clock, our own monitor of the passage of time. Each clock is equally precise, yet when we move relative to one another, these clocks do not agree. They fall out of synchronization; they measure different amounts of elapsed time between two chosen events. The same is true of distance. Each of us carries our own yardstick, our own monitor of distance in space. Each yardstick is equally precise, yet when we move relative to one another, these yardsticks do not agree; they measure different distances between the locations of two specified events. If space and time did not behave this way, the speed of light would not be constant and would depend on the observer’s state of motion. But it IS consant; space and time DO behave this way. Space and time adjust themsevles in an exactly compensating manner so that observations of light’s speed yield the same result, regardless of the observer’s velocity.’


i got a manicure yesterday and i got black nailpolish because it’s supposed to be really in right now.  i also bought a tub of icing and have been eating it on wheat thins. “

I’m so multifaceted. Or ADHD. Probably a little from each column.

Set your bookmarks, friends – more SpaceTimeVanityBingeEating to come!

ECNY times!

10 03 2010

Hey friends!

Yes, I’m writing a blog post! IT’S OUT OF CONTROL! Perhaps I’ll do it more frequently. I won’t! But I always think about what a world it would be if I did.

Just wanted to share some fun things – I produced the nominee videos for the ECNY Awards on Monday night. You can check them out on my youtube channel – ChelseaWhiteComedy.

Here’s one of my faves –

Check out my SHOWS page for some great upcoming fun times – including tonight @ Comix and tomorrow @ Luca Lounge.

Plus – my comedy life partner Aalap Patel and I reunite for one night only to takeover the Lil’ Seany Boy Show on March 20! Stay tuned for details…

Is Limelight still a club?

2 11 2009

A video produced by my fab friends at Don’t Touch Me There was just featured on YouTube by Just For Laughs – the people behind the Just For Laughs comedy festivals.

Look for my short-but-life-altering cameo as “Girl Who Is Willing To Perform Lewd Acts to Get In To Clubs but Is Also Concerned About the Environment As Exhibited by Use of Paper Grocery Bags”


Schtick… or Treat?!

29 10 2009

Last night the Second Annual Schtick or Treat, produced by Matt Ruby and Mark Normand went down in Bowery Poetry Club. 30+ NYC comics impersonating 30+ of their fave comedians. We each do 3min sets as the famous comedian of our choice; doing their material, using their mannerisms, etc.

Last year I was Mitch Hedberg –

Mara Herron as Janeane Garofalo and me as Mitch Hedberg, Schtick or Treat 2008

This year I went as my husband, Conan O’Brien –

Abbie Crutchfield as Sinbad (sans mustache), Mark Normand as Johnny Carson and me as Conan O'Brien

In case you want to dress as Conan for Halloween or a Tuesday, here’s a tip:  mullet wig backwards and styled to create the Conan ‘do.


28 10 2009

Come party Halloween-style with New Young Comedians and Don’t Touch Me There at Karma Lounge this Saturday! Free Admission and lots of drink specials! Costumes a must!

Together we CAN win the battle against bottle service douchebags!

And definitely check out Rob O’Reilly’s Halloween comedy show at 7:30p before the party!

Some of you might remember the 80’s Dance Party we threw this summer. There will be even more shenanigans on Saturday. MORE. SHENANIGANS.