Eat It, Paralysis.

22 03 2011

A new study revealed that blue M&M’s have the power to heal spinal injuries. WHAT!

Yes.

Science-type people decided to see what would happen if they pumped rats with spinal cord injuries full of the blue food dye used to color M&M’s. The result was not immediate death as anticipated, but miraculous healing as the paralyzed rats treated with the blue dye regained the ability to walk!

The rats also turned temporarily blue, but I think we can all agree that’s a small price for a rat to pay to transition from a hopeless life of immobility to just a regular hopeless life.

Here’s the clincher: The dye is presumed to have a similar effect on paralyzed humans! M&M World better beef up its wheelchair accessibility, pronto.

This makes me wonder how many other candy-related products have undiscovered healing powers. I’d like to see scientists harness the power of nougat. Nougat is definitely harboring secret curing capabilities. A lot of people would probably say caramel, but I think it’s obvious that caramel is just a decoy.

So if you’re a rat looking to no longer be paralyzed and don’t mind turning blue send a trusted, mobile friend to the nearest bodega or 14-yr-old-on-the-subway’s basketball uniform fund raising kit and cop that candy!

Humans: I’d hold off until science figures out the turning blue deal unless you don’t mind giving up your ability to wear black. You may not think it’s a big deal, especially in exchange for your independence and quality of life, but then what are you going to wear to that thing you have next week that you’re not really sure is business formal or more regular formal?

In the meantime, I’d be eating as much nougat as possible. I’m just saying, it can’t hurt.


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